Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Behold the Word

“….and the people were much afraid,
and went to their neighbours doors, wailing“Who shall gathereth in the corn and arrowroot now that our father is on incapacity benefit?”But Simon said “showeth me the crippled patriarch who built such strong dykes and fathered scores of children in his mighty breeches, so I may do the work of my heavenly Master.” And they showeth Simon to the palette wherein their father lay, swaddled in blankets and drinking deeply in his despair, and Simon sayeth, brandishing the crutches, “Rise now,for I have a place for thee standing straight and tall as a young sapling.” And to the amazement of the people, even those of the DHSS hidden among the olive trees, Simon
and he walketh without aid to the local Inn…

”Simon Pyrites Third Statementto the Licensing Board, Chapter 6, Vs 17-96

The Third Mission of Simon Pyrites: Relaunch

It is to the abiding joy of all that Simon Pyrites has emerged from his self imposed exile to bless us again with his words and homilies.

Simon Pyrites Hardship Fund

"Hard is the road I make for thee. All those who follow me must abandon all that is dear to them, even unto the last bus pass. The road to redemption is a difficult one, fraught with peril and temptation and only the most pure in heart, or the most senseless with drink may travel its length."

Simon Pyrites fourteenth abjuration to the Molluscs, lines 987-991

It is a true fact, brothers and sisters, that the path of the blessed is not an easy one and that there are many casualties along the way. Unhappily even in our own ranks, it is not easy to continue to make the sacrifices necessary to spread the word. There have been individual tragedies.It is with a heavy heart I must tell you that that most stalwart and muscular of disciples, St Stephen, one of the heroes of our recent devastating victory over the River of Life Church, is now in desparate trouble. Some time ago St Stephen was attacked by the Devil disguised as a kitchen rug who sought to smite him when he was at his weakest, naked and paralytically drunk and trying to cook a beef stroganoff at three in the morning. St Stephen fought him off, but not before the Devil bit off one of his legs. Such was the bearing and courage of St Stephen that no-one noticed this fact till now. Tragically brothers and sisters, St Stephen is now virtually a recluse, unnable even to borrow a fraction of the money he used to daily accumulate in his prime. It is a lamentable thing to see.Brothers and sisters I ask you to donate what you can so we can make the last days of St Stephen comfortable and dignified. Send what you can afford to:

The Third Mission of Simon Pyrites
c/o The Back Bar of the Hole in the wa'
Queensberry Street